The Ego, Me, and the Holy Spirit Makes Three
It has been a while since I have had to take a physical test for an educational institution. However, in deciding to attend a formal program to enhance my Spanish I knew that such displays of knowledge would be compulsory. What I didn’t know was how these exams would contribute towards a deeper inquiry into my soul’s journey. Yet, I should not be surprised, as everything in the human experience is always up for being used as a teaching tool for the Light.
Yesterday, I sat in a quiet room with 15 or so foreign students answering questions that tested our comprehension on the written Spanish language: accents, sentence structure, vocabulary, storytelling, and letter writing. This is the same small room I have been sharing with these wonderful souls who are mostly from China, Japan, and other countries in the orient. My classes have not only offered knowledge of the Spanish culture but that of those countries present from the eastern part of the globe. Those amongst me are in the process of using this semester of Spanish as part of their degree or means of getting accepted into a more advanced degree program. For them, each test accounts towards their future. I can understand, as I was once there in their seat, believing that every piece of homework, every hand raised in class, and every test taken meant the achievement of a potential future that my parents or society told me was possible if I but only studied, studied, and studied more. I realize now how much studying is related to memorization, not learning or discovering out of pure interest. It is memorizing to then regurgitate. However it does serve a divine purpose, whether in life or school, tests offer us the unique opportunity to experience our perfection.
At a certain point in my exam, I looked down at the words on the page and truly saw nothing but a “foreign language.” It was as though the words lifted off the page, jumbled themselves, and created a language I had never seen before, much less a language I had been studying for more than 20 years. You could say that it was a moment of test anxiety but I would beg to differ. What I was experiencing was something beyond the psychological sciences, as I became extremely aware of three distinct voices at once.
First, there was a voice that said, “I have been here for 70 days, active in my classes, and, still, I have learned nothing. I don’t even know the simplest words such as pillow, chair, and other vocabulary for which my hands touch daily. I don’t know this stuff…at…all.” My entire body contracted, as I couldn’t make sense of the page in front of me. To say I was looking at foreign language is just as much true as it is metaphorical. What looked familiar when I was handed the paper was all the sudden unrecognizable. I couldn’t formulate a thought in my head. It was as though the Spanish I knew had left the building and vanished from my brain. Then a second voice appeared from the thin air in which this second language was floating.
This voice was soft and innocent. She had a tone of curiosity. With her voice my eyes were directed off the page to scan the room and those around me; students deep in thought, displaying their knowledge with the noice of moving pencils decorating the still air. Throughout my course, I have been at one with my fellow students, not noticing any difference in age but recognizing the common birthdate we all share, the birth of the Light. But in this moment, I could see a different sense of bliss in those hard at work towards their prospective futures. I remembered that sense of finality, thinking that my future depended on each moment at hand. It is a sort of ignorance that is blissful. It is the lack of awareness that life changes and happens, creating unexpected futures and roads taken, regardless of any tireless preparation for another. A quote came to mind, “You want to hear God laugh, tell Her your plans.” In that moment, I realized all that I had learned over the years throughout the tests of life. Currently, those around me were striving for future they were certain of, however, all I see is a play, with fantastical smoke and mirrors. For a breath, I was envious of their bliss to just focus on the test, for in this moment, I was not only the student taking an exam, but I was also the observer, witnessing and contemplating the one who had the pencil in her hands, aware of her words, thoughts, and bodily reactions. In pure consciousness, I take note of the barriers that I place between myself and this language in which I danced with over the years, and note they are not barriers at all but just a mere thought, a cloud of vapor, really. This observer watches this human experience, its energies and chemical reactions, and is mindfully present as it unfolds. Now, mind you, I am still taking a test and time is ticking. Or is it, as the next Voice that appears comes from a place beyond time?
“Child of God, my message is for you, to hear and give away as you answer the Holy Spirit within you” (ACIM Text, Chapter 5 II, 12:6).
The third voice comes from a place deep within, while also feeling as though it encompasses all of me, inside and out. It is the most divine of all teachers, the Holy Spirit. She is present to remind me of something, whispering guidance as life unfolds before me via a written test. She is truly the bridge of this world and the Next. I feel split into three at the moment, the ego, me, and She, but somehow still as One. The Holy Spirit lets me know that I can no longer be in the bliss of ignorance of Her Voice. I know too much. I can’t go back. I am here and it is time to put what I know to be Real into practice: to breath, love, and exist beyond what is considered “tested knowledge.” It is time to know that I am good enough and that I always know enough. And with those words, I took a deep breath, looked back at the page, and noticed the jumbled words had settled and began to make sense. I did know. I do know. Although there was a written test before me, the real test was happening between the ego, me and the Holy Spirit.
It is not a coincidence that on the page before me was the portion of the exam where a sentence was all broken up to put it back together again. I, too, had just been split into three and now with a breath I was back to One and was back to looking at a language that I did indeed know and to sentences in which I could now put back together because I was now back together, remembered in my Oneness, the Oneness that never leaves me. As I came to this Truth, these three voices melded into One. They recognized one another and turned into the One Voice and the One experience, the One call to Love.
“The choice for the Holy Spirit is the choice for God” (ACIM Text Chapter 5, II, 5:4).
Luckily all these voices communicate in the language of the heart, where there is no confusion in the delivered message. The language used by the holy trinity is ever eternal and understood. The bridge to it is right in front of us, held within the breath. It is where the ego, me, and the Holy Spirit were once three but became One in Thee. Namaste.